Imagine one fine day a thought comes to your mind “What if my parents don’t love me?” followed by a series of “What if because of all my failures they are so done with me that they are just doing all that they are for me just because they have to? What if everything they are doing is just because I am their biological daughter? In fact, am I their daughter? What if they decide to leave me? Will they kick me out? What if they tell me that I have been a burden for them all my life? Am I a burden?”
“Yes, I am! I’m young, not earning, still studying…” NOW, WHAT?
Such conversations go on and on for hours. One topic leads to the other and the loop ends in tears. All of them revolve around “what if’s” that haven’t occurred till date, and ones that are highly unlikely to happen. But how could I explain it to people? How could I tell them that my eyes well up with tears out of pain? All they see is a body sitting idly or pacing back and forth.
How would they ever hear the never-ending conversations that play on a loop inside my head? Even if they do, will they understand my cause of suffering? Will they consider the reason good enough for feeling low? At least the ones I spoke to didn’t think on those lines.
How do you live with something that people around you think doesn’t exist? Living with such negative thoughts, feelings of guilt and many other things that accompany depression gets exhaustive. It is like living with a person who keeps reminding you of your faults and weakness, blunders, and whatever might go wrong. He doesn’t let me sleep. Even if I doze off by chance, he wakes me up rudely by following me into my dreams.
I remember so many nightmares which ended when I woke up screaming at the top of my lungs. In most of them, I was pleading people to stop mocking me or hoping that my family would believe me, but it was never of any use. I always woke up with the wish to never fall asleep again.
How do you live like that? How do you tell people that the cause of your suffering is real- even if they can’t see it?
Those around me called me lazy, a crybaby and what not. Opening up to people usually required a lot of trust and effort. However, the only response that they usually gave me was, “Don’t think too much.”
I know they mean well but how could I stop thinking? How do I stop myself from doing the most natural thing: feeling?
How do I deal with it?
I’m not going to say I have mastered the art of living with Depression. I know I’m a Psychology student and everyone expects me to have done so, but I don’t know if I ever can. Yet, I must say that I have been battling Depression like a fearless warrior who is victorious on a daily basis.
It was very difficult for me to accept that I actually suffer from Depression. I took years to identify who I am besides being a person suffering from Depression. Accepting that it’s okay to cry and feel low instead of merely pretending to be alright was not easy either. I had to learn how to acknowledge the emotions that Depression made me experience.
By studying Psychology and by psycho-educating myself, I got a chance to know how Depression became a part of the person that I was. It was controlling me as if I was its puppet.
Receiving help from a renowned therapist helped me to a great extent. I now know that the suffering caused by Depression is real. I also know that the help required to deal with it is available. In fact, practicing as a Psychologist gives me the opportunity to help others suffering from Depression.
So I’m hanging in there, knowing one day I’ll win this battle, one day I’ll un-friend this unwanted invisible person in my life. Till then I’ll fight because I have survived the worst so I can survive the rest.
Living with Depression can be very difficult indeed. It affects a person to the extent of altering how he thinks day in and day out, and that is perhaps the most painful! If you know someone who is suffering from Depression, help them by booking an appointment at Mind Solace today!