Dealing with a Psychological disorder isn’t easy. I wanted to tell so many things to my near and dear ones. Maybe I just wanted to share what was going through my mind all day long. I believe that would have felt like sharing the weight of a huge boulder that was crushing me bit by bit every single day.
What all did I wish to tell my near and dear ones?
“Why is my room so bright? How many times do I have to tell them not to open the curtains before noon? I can’t afford to make Maa upset again? But this light, this light, this light! Maaaaaaaaaa!”
“Moreover, Maa I know that if I don’t get out of the bed by 4 in the evening, you get upset. It’s not you that I am avoiding; it’s that morning sun. The over glorified, over advertised, “bringer of hope” morning sun! Yes, Maa! I know I promised I will be out by 11 but what should I be up for?”
Nevertheless, I’ll have to follow the same monotonous routine:-
Firstly, get up. Eat. Work out. Sit alone. Cry your eyes out. Eat again. Lie about having a headache. Sit alone. Think about random things. Cry over it. Hug your pet. Cry over your stupidity. Rest your swollen eyes. Give up and sleep. Get up after midnight. Watch the buzzing metropolis sleep. Hope for better times. Read. Cry over your situation. Read Again. Dread the next day. Then sleep by 6 (before your mom realizes you’ve been up all night AGAIN).
Yes, this monotony was gifted to me by my disorder. It felt more like a downward spiral than a battle!
“I understand you are upset with me Maa, believe me, I am upset with myself too and I know it is stupid of me to expect you to understand without really telling you anything. But Maa, who do I bear my expectations on? Dad never cared, others had their own struggles and I have to be the “balanced one” in front of the world.
There is no one I can share my demons with so I yell and I fight and I slam doors and I say bitter things and I HOPE you will see the pain all of my anger stems from. But no one really seems to notice that the only fight I am really fighting is with those broken records of my past that never stop playing.”
“Dad, I know you believe that I inflict my miseries on myself. You and others have survived worse with grace and strength but I am not exactly like you! Others’ words and actions affect me. I scrutinize gestures and latch on to small words and subtexts. Analysing everything excessively and over-thinking are a part of my routine now.”
Lastly, I promise I am trying to be stronger. Blocking all these unwanted thoughts isn’t easy, but I am trying. I am trying to be less critical of me and I am trying to be less guilty of my helplessness but it will take time. My disorder isn’t all that there is to me. Waging a war against a Psychological disorder is neither easy nor visible to the naked eye. But, I refuse to give up.
I will take time and I know I need a lot of work but I am not giving up on me right now and I hope you two will try not to give up on me, yet.
Living with a Psychological disorder isn’t easy. But, not being able to express oneself to others makes it all the more difficult. Your support and help would be incredibly beneficial for someone who is experiencing something similar to this. You can help them further by connecting them to a good counselor from Mind Solace so that they can understand, accept and get cured of the disorder to live a better life.